The Best Laid Teleportation Flight Plans
by Jadxia78
Summary: Demonic paperwork & mis-directed mail fall into the wrong hands. Can a floppy-eared demon save the day? The rating reflects nothing sicker than tonight's episode.


_Okay, now I'm the one saying please be gentle, this is my first fan fic. At least, this is the first one I've ever posted anywhere. Ironic too that nearly everything I write is S/B and there's hardly a hint of it in here. I just got an idea in my head after Same Time, Same Place and it wouldn't leave me alone until I finished this. Assuming I haven't scared you away by saying this is my first fic I'd really appreciate reviews. It's been a long time since I had feedback._

_Spoiler Warning: Mostly "Same Time, Same Place," and generally anything from mid-Season 6 to now._

_DISCLAIMER: I don't have any truly original characters in here. They're all property of people much smarter than me, as in Joss & M.E. I just like to play.  
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**ATTN: D'Hoffryn**

**Form: TFP-WF (Teleportation Flight Plan – Wish Fulfillment)__**

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**_For: Anyanka_****__**

**_DTN: (Demon Tracking Number): 32570-238dhgl-390jk-130ua-103_****__**

**_Demon Class: Vengeance, 1st (sorry… I mean Justice, __novice)_******

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**_Destination: Brasilia, Brazil_****__**

**_Dimensions crossed: Q'alla, Plrtz Glrb, and the one with the smelly water_****__**

**_Inclusive dates of stay: 27th day of the Moon of Eaygrin to 1st day of the Moon of Iphil_****__**

**_Purpose of travel: Wish fulfillment_****__**

          **_If this is a wish fulfillment (WF), wronged party: I think her name is Maria, do I need to know the rest for this stupid form or can I start with the vengeance already?_****__**

_          ***If you answered yes to the previous question please complete the rest of this form. If this is not a WF, obtain a TFP-V or TFP-R form from the Hellmouth office. (15 1/2 Acorn St, next to the Department of Motor Vehicles)**_

**_Name(s) of intended recipients of Justice: A moron called Antonio who decided to leave his bride at the altar. He left her there in her white dress, surrounded by her family, friends, and coworkers and she had to pay for the whole thing! Of course his family wouldn't keep their promise to pay since their son didn't get married! Oh right, sure, they paid for the food but they ate most of it anyway! I mean seriously, do you know how expensive these things are? Just have the Poverty & Ruination demons start focusing on weddings and they'll start cleaning up in no time. Do you have any idea how much a gorgeous dress you've wanted since you became human costs? And this girl has always been human (at least as far as I know anyway). I mean… imagine how she must have felt! Can I go after his family too? Because there really should be a clause saying we can go after those that spawn the people we take vengeance on._****__**

**_Reason for WF: Like my job, wanna live… but I'm not answering stupid questions more than once._**

**_Intended form of WF: Assuming she goes for it I was thinking about making him wear her wedding dress for the rest of his life… by merging it with his skin. But then what if she meets somebody and wants to use it? Okay, so new plan._****__**

If she's more into the bloody mess thing I'll try to steer her towards compelling him to rip off his finger nails and toe nails and dropping them like a flower girl would as he walks up and down the aisle. Only this would be like a flower girl who doesn't use flowers. Actually… that one would be over too quickly, plus they might grow back.

Maybe I'll just try to get her to wish that he'd explode and his entrails would become confetti? Wait… that one would be too messy. Maybe I could get her to wish something less messy, or at least easier to clean up after. I hear he works at some kind of nut packaging factory. Maybe I can improvise.

Anyway, why do I need to tell you what I want HER to wish? Isn't it our job to avenge those that have been wronged, not order them around like a sea captain? I mean, who do we think we are? Why are we doing this? Not that I have a problem with doing this. I very much like dealing bloody vengeance to all males I meet. I mean… God knows they deserve it! Right? …Not that I question that.

**_Anticipated expenses: About $10 should do it for now. I kind of need to pick up some dog food. I checked and found out that Antonio the Confetti Boy has a puppy, a cute little beagle. He may have floppy ears but he deserves a good home. I already know a demon who'll probably take him. He doesn't mind the floppy ear thing and has plenty of space, assuming he doesn't lose his crypt. After all… it's not the puppy's fault his master is a heartless penis. I think he'd like the company too._****__**

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With trembling hands Doris put down the letter her coworker had dropped, unopened, at her window. She didn't know how the voices had found her but this had to be some kind of sign. After all, how could they know she'd gotten married and had a new last name? How could they have known she'd just started this job at the DMV?

At least now she had a name to go with the voice. Anyanka. Alright, maybe if she did what Anyanka wanted she'd be okay. Looking nervously from her left to right to make sure she wasn't being watched she took out her wallet and slid a $10 bill back into the original envelope, addressed to D.Hoffryn at 15 1/2 Acorn St, Sunnydale. There was of course no 15 ½ Acorn St, there was just an alley between the DMV and the new Sunnydale High. 

Not knowing what to do she quickly went to the break room and borrowed a mug. She certainly hadn't brought a mug when she'd started this job so this one would have to do. She set the black mug down next to her window and gently placed the envelope in the mug. A quick look over her shoulder showed that none of her coworkers had noticed any of this. However, the inpatient customers waiting on the benches were looking at her strangely. Well, most of them were anyway.

Doris finally hit the button saying that she was ready to take the next customer at her window. Fortunately her next customer wasn't one of the ones looking at her strangely. In fact, he had nothing but a bright smile and half wave for her as he approached and handed her his license renewal form. She'd noticed him when he'd walked in, after all his skin condition certainly made him stand out even in Sunnydale. 

"Are you okay Miss? You look like something's bothering you" he said with a touch of genuine concern. She was taken aback by this stranger asking a personal question but he seemed like a very nice man. After all, he hadn't even called her "ma'am". She decided she liked him.

"Oh no, I… I'm fine. Nothing wrong here at all" she smiled at him reassuringly. Her years as a social worker came in handy when she needed to sound confident and reassuring. 

"Okay, glad to hear it." Suddenly 'Clement' as she knew his name was from his renewal form, tilted his head to the side so he could read the address on the letter that was standing in her coffee mug. "Umm… where did you find this letter, assuming you don't mind my asking?" The tone of the concern in his voice had changed subtlely.

"Oh, someone dropped that off earlier." Doris suddenly examined his drooping face a bit more closely and decided to confide in him. "Actually, I… I did what the letter said but now… I don't know how to return it. I'm not even sure how she knew I was here but sure enough it's addressed to me." The last part was said with a bit of a thinly veiled nervous chuckle. "I wish I knew how to return it Clement."

"Oh please, call me Clem." After a pause he continued. "I take it this letter upset you?"

"Well… maybe a bit. I don't know anything about teleportation and I really don't want to upset the voice."

Clem _really looked concerned now. Suddenly he brightened. "Oh! You know what? I think this might have all been a misunderstanding." He laughed in a way that instantly made Doris begin to relax for the first time since getting the letter. "I know of a guy who's name is __Dan Hoffryn and he oversees an umm… ice cream stand right next to this building. Well, sometimes its right next to this building… he tends to move it around a lot. Really great ice cream too, served nice and cold." Suddenly Clem winced as if he didn't like what he'd said or that he'd said too much._

Doris clung to this information like a life preserver. As a life-long Sunnydale resident she knew to take a rational explanation as a gift from heaven. Slowly she felt the silly fear and tension drain away and felt a bit braver. "I don't suppose you know where he is, he certainly should get his letter. I'd never intentionally open someone else's mail." She was now officially back into the land of DeNile and wrapped her cloak of sanity back around herself. It may have frayed a bit but she was certainly going to cling to it as long as possible.

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Clem let out another nervous laugh and after a quick look into her aged eyes he resigned himself to taking the letter to personally deliver it to its rightful owner. His new friend was more than glad enough to turn it over to him but he wasn't looking forward to this. Sure, D'Hoffryn had been nice enough to him at Anya's wedding but he didn't like interacting with the higher ups unless he had to. 

Clem was lucky enough to be a free agent demon and demons that ruled other demons just gave him the creeps. They were always talking about quotas and carnage. Take what happened to Anya for example, she was a really sweet girl who shouldn't be made to feel like she had to inflict pain. He'd had several long talks with her over the summer and he could tell that she longed for the freedom to choose between mercy and vengeance. No one should have that choice taken away from them. After all, humans had that choice… why shouldn't demons? 

That's one of the reasons he'd liked Spike so much. He chose to do good or evil as he saw fit, even if he didn't realize that choice was a good thing, or even that he had a choice to begin with. Sighing, he slipped the letter into one of his skin folds as he exited the DMV. He still missed his mixed-up vampire friend and replaced the old blood with fresh stuff every week, just in case he might show up. He kept hoping that when he'd come home from a date some night he'd find Spike back in his old chair watching Knight Rider or the Passions episodes he'd faithfully taped for his friend. He didn't know what exactly had happened with the Slayer to send him running off like that but he wished both of them well. They were both great, just… well… _issues. He truly hoped they'd both find the peace they needed._

After a short search of the alley next to the DMV he sensed the portal to D'Hoffryn's office. After leaving the letter with a secretary and complimenting her matching tentacle rings he let out a sigh of relief as he reentered the alley. The cloudy sky looked threatening, almost as much as those rumblings that made everyone so jumpy lately on the Hellmouth. Still though, he bet the rainbow would be nice once the storm broke. He hadn't seen one of those in a long time and he'd always been good at predicting them. 

Suddenly feeling hungry he headed in the direction of the Bronze to appease his craving for wings. That wasn't the normal diet of his kind by any means but then again… it's all about choices. Now, would it be spicy or mild tonight? Definitely spicy.

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D'Hoffryn looked over Anyanka's request and stamped his approval reluctantly. He blamed himself partly for what she'd become. If he'd taken her back right away she might not have become this conflicted. Three short human years and look at what she'd been reduced to. Perhaps this probation would be good for her. He could always make her human again but seeing the pain it had caused her that was the last thing he wanted to do, even if it made sense as a punishment. She had to pick a side, and soon. For now, he'd simply keep an eye on her. 

D'Hoffryn made a quick copy of Anyanka's TFP request and put the duplicate in his out going mail slot. He wasn't sure where the $10 bill had come from, but put that in too. It seemed that Marty was out today, but fortunately there were enough postal demons to keep the mail moving regularly. The request should reach her tomorrow. Pulling out Anyanka's rather large file (1000 years of paperwork adds up) he placed the original TFP in the front and closed it.

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          A few days later Anya dropped the puppy off with Clem who immediately dubbed him "Timmy."  They quickly struck up a conversation as it had been awhile since Clem had really had a chance to talk to her. It didn't take long for Anya to start complaining about the new restrictions she faced. 

          "You wouldn't believe the forms! I mean I know the IRS trains the lower demons who make up these forms but this is really bad. I'm working on a 'non-vengeance kill form' right now that's impossible to fill out. Even the help manual reads like stereo instructions." Anya rolled her eyes.

          "Can you tell me more about it? Maybe I can help?" Clem offered.

          "Well, you see there's this guy working at a DMV in the middle of some no-name town who wants everybody in his office dead. That's really not my department so I have to fill out this form so it can go to the proper demon bureau."

          Clem coughed on his Country Time lemonade, nearly choking. "How about I help deliver it at least?"


End file.
